Life Starting

Tokyo 1965 July or August – Now (almost to now)

BEFORE

I was with Yooki in the Juntoku Girls School for now some non stop 8 years. A very strict school preparing us to the world in a traditional way. We were not closed in walls, but closed in rules, preparing ourselves for our traditional place in society in every fields.

I finished my studies there, but when I was 16, I met during the school spring closure an american man, much, much taller than me and more than twice my age : a pilot of the USAF, so strong, so handsom that I felt in love with him and I had not to exhaust myself to convince him to make a woman of me. His family was still in Colorado Springs and he was to spend years (excepting his rotating months of release) in Japan. I became his regular girlfriend, at least when I was not at school. I learnt many things with him, but, if I except english language and sex, nothing really useful to survive and live in Japan. But I kept our meetings as total secret as if it was known, I would certainly be expelled from the Juntoku school: an absolute lost face for my mother. The only one with who I needed to share everything was Yooki.

With Yooki, I could exchange everything, there were no leaks at all. I was a « woman » now, but her, she was not yet. I said everything, in the smalest detail, what he did, what I did, what I felt, what I thought, everything ! It was such an event for me that I wanted Yooki to share, I was in love !

Weeks, months, time passing, I started to feel I needed more than his manhood in my vagina, at least something less repetitive than me spreading my thighs to receive the weight of his body on me.

As far as I know men now almost 50 years later, he was completely limited, not by his penis which was of a respectable size, but by his moral and beliefs. I was new at sex and I knew better than him what my body wanted. I loved him but… after days of childish requests, of sulky face, of pleas, my pilot accepted to lay on the bed while I was riding him. In that position he felt unstable, but I was controling my pleasure and his. After that he did not claimed when I took the lead.

My exchanges with Yooki turned to become sexual education at that time. She used it, I am not sure, but only five or six years later. She told me, at that time, how she was deeply disappointed for her « first time », compared to all what I had described.

At the end of high school, I did not entered the university like Yooki did, and started to work in my mother’s small bar where my knowledge of  the english language was appreciated by the foreign clients, a good thing. I met less Yooki only once or twice a week, but I had more time with him when he was not on duty.

But heaven had limits, my man received a new posting first in the US for overall strategic study purpose, then to Europe. He informed me as softly he could, but it was like an earthquake for me.

I was not yet 20 and I thought my life ending.

Of course, my mother was aware of « something », a boy friend maybe, but when the end arrived, I couldn’t hide anything and said all what happened during the last 3 years and half.

The only comment I remind from that time was my mother saying : « You are the only good thing that your father gave me ! »

During the following 12 years, I had no real relations with men. Some quick moves to a bed in some opportunities, but so unsatisfying that I threw them away very quickly. When I say unsatisfying, I mean emotional as well as physical. I was not in love and their sex was smaller than what I was dreaming or they did not used it well in my view. When I had a really strong need, my fingers could supply even imperfectly.

Yooki was now working as accountant in her father’s company; busy but no more than I was with my mother; we had time to meet, talk, and share about fashion, our lives and our loves if we can call as loves our boyfriends of that time.

In 1976, she went touring France for the second time. She met a Frenchman that she thought wrongly much older than her, he was “Rope”, but under his real name and appearance: funny, quick minded, nice and speaking Japanese. Yooki was sure he was already married with two or more children.

She was wrong for the time being; 3 years later they married, had 2 babies, He learnt in 1982 he was the father of a very healthy franco-korean boy born early 1979. Not to speak of my son, later.

Yooki talked a lot about him: his letters, his phone calls; his Japanese language improving month after month. I met him for the first time late july 1978. He was not among the most handsome men, but he had and still has a very strong and fascinating personality impossible to avoid when he looked straight at you while talking with a soft voice. Soft with us, but he was able to talk to crowds without any mike. Everything in him was perplexing, showing a very complex personality with always changing sides moving between extremes. I learnt later that I was wrong; what I was seeing was what he wanted me, Yooki and others to see. The real thing is that Rope moves non-stop forward toward a target, any nuance is purely tactical and what he wants to obtain never changes. What I say here is the result of more than 35 years of relations with him. And I do not mean at all he lacked of love or hate, at the contrary he is full of both! I think the avatar he chose for himself later is perfectly true and representative: a T-Rex.

Until their wedding in September 1979, and after, I communicated a lot with Yooki, really disapproving what I felt to be far away from normal, acceptable, moral relations, but, anyway, I was her witness when they married during 1979 autumn.

Yooki was talking of rope, of pleasurable humiliation, of pain, of sex activities having nothing in common with what I had experienced years ago. I was out of subject for sure and I tried constantly to have her return to more socially acceptable and less risky activities.

In 1980, pushed by my mother and other members of my family, it was my turn and I made an arranged wedding, like more or less 70% of the marriages in Japan at that time. Security is still considered as having more value than love for a woman. I was 32 and single and a heavily pregnant Yooki was my witness.

No problem during our honey moon and the first 4 months, but gradually, he returned to some old habits: work until midnight or later (I could understand, but not happily); bars with colleagues or clients (I hated when he came back home drunk and violent); soapland (I was disgusted when he wanted to have sex with me when he had on him that smell of cheap massage soap). Less than a year later, I exploded and went to meet Yooki and Rope at their home… that changed almost everything in my life.

THEREFORE…

What I had heard about Yooki’s relations with Rope, was nearly revolting for me : I was imagining she had no human value in their mariage. But, she was the only person I could talk with in my distress, Rope was present. Yooki was compassionate and understanding ; He was actively trying to help, but also luring me in what I thought to be a trap. In spite of it, I started to rely more and more on him and was dragged in their whirl. When he proposed the use of the dice, I already put away my critics and opposed no real resistance. My last sign of a possible revolt was when I was so deadly ashamed after the Doctor Hideki came. After that I had no more impulse to fight,

Rope was in contact with a swing club : The Orange People (オレンジイピープル), having a monthly magazine 250 pages thick, and He was eliminating the « too far away from we were », « too swap only like », « too sex only » and « too mild » types. From the selection, we had to discuss, but our choice (Yooki’s and mine) was only taken in account once… and it became an absolute ridiculous failure. After that, we had only the right to comment ; to be true, Rope was almost correct in His choices, His main criterias being : group, bondage, humiliation, pain and sex were not forbidden but not  compulsory and each time « He » fixed the limits, never Yooki nor me.

He was so different from the sadist I was picturing. Of course he was total dominant imposing his will, but also so caring with us. What made me unstable, unsure, were his unpredictable moves. At home or outside it was impossible to relax when he was with us. I learnt to love such a permanent uncertainty.

I was now far from my view of Him making a slave of Yooki. It was this but not only, now very clear because both of us were treated in the same way when I came, I was a slave too in a way but not so slave at all, I loved it and I came as often as I could. In a very short time I had been drowned in their perverted lifestyle and I loved it. Treated with much more care than by my previous husband, but becoming only a thing without transition. Kindness and delicacy, hard control and humiliation, I loved it !

For sure it was not that easy, sometime I was reluctant as Yooki was, but in most of the purposes we nodded and did not regret our sometime pushed acceptance.

In the meantime, I restarted to work, this time in my mother’s coffee shop and moved out from the appartment rented by my ex-husband, sharing my time between my family house and Yooki’s.

Our mutual love is still active in spite of the distance between Japan and France, and my new husband (friend of Rope) and my girlfriend are not hurdles for it.

Kanako