Fear!

Tokyo (March 1979 - January 1986)

Fear, pure and absolute panic with cats, seeing cats, shivering when a cat was looking at me, useless to say, a cat nearing me? Crazy! Impossible!

But with Him, impossible does not exist and what is crazy becomes a norm.

I am sure He knew of my terror for cats 6 or 8 months before our wedding, but He did not say anything. 

When I was seeing a cat, I immediately turned toward the nearest show window, entering the shop to put the door between me and the monster. In residential streets I crossed the pavement, changing sidewalk to avoid to near a cat sitting in a place, certainly waiting for me.

Sometimes, He warned me with a "Mew" but nothing more, proof he was aware of my phobia.



A year after our wedding and the birth of our first baby, maybe in March 81, we went (with our daughter in her baby basket) to one of His friends home for a "shibari toki" (Bondage Session). The start was very soft, green tea and traditional cakes, then I left the baby's basket near the paper partitions between the rooms. 

They tied me in turn, showing each other, a tip, a knot, how to pass the rope, inside, outside, up, down, straight or crossing. I was still wearing pantie and bra, but not for long. The baby started to cry for milk. but instead of freeing me, He undid my bra on the back, as it was not moving, he took a knife and cut it in piece, taking all off, part after part. I protested without any result, it was already too late. He then took the baby and held her while she was sucking my left breast then the other. Around us, the friend was taking photos, click-flash - click-flash...
After the baby had burped and was back, sleeping in her basket. He neared me again and having me laying flat on my belly, took my last cloth off in spite of my renewed protests.
Click, the camera was flashing not stop. Stupid question in my head: "how many film did he finished? And how many from now?"

At that point, He tied my ankles together, passing the remaining of the rope on the rope already tying my wrists in my back to my upper body, he pulled it slowly, forcing my knees to bend, then arching me back to the limit point when pain was near.

Click-flash! 


Suddenly, I felt Him freeze, suspending His moves, eyes pointing somewhere out of my view.
"You didn't tell me you had!" Was the only remark to the friend. "There are two" was the answer. Two or three minutes later, I understood with horror, a cat, A CAT was in front of me, looking at me with its devilish eyes. I started to moan, to cry, to howl...
The friend apparently was not understanding what was happening, but He said: "Better to close window and shutters. No need to disturb neighbours"
I was completely panic-stricken when they left the room despite of my supplications.

Absolute hell, the cat starring at me, increased panic when the second one came out from the closet; it was pure, absolute, extreme torture. My voice had almost not effect on the "monsters";
no way to escape, my cries, my howls, my tears having no effect on the cats and the men on the other side of the "fusuma" (sliding dividing paper wall).

It lasted two hours or more, them in the other room drinking tea, chatting while looking at the TV. I must admit that He seemed to have had a look several times, half opening the "fusuma".
I fainted twice when I felt the nose and whiskers of one of those devils grazing my skin, completely indifferent to my moaning voice,

I remained like this shutting tightly my eyes not to see the two monsters facing me in a hieratic pose. No hope, each time I relaxed my eyelids, they were there. Time passing, as they did not neared me anymore, one sleeping, the other licking its fur, I relaxed a bit, just slightly, but I relaxed and stopped making noises.

Was it the lasting silence or the time running that decided the men to reappear? But they got in. The cats raised on their paws and left the room in a slow motion move.

I was not dead, I was not in hell, the demonic beasts almost did not touched me. I was safe and I learnt that possibly, the problem was not with the cats, but with me.

My fear and repulsion lasted some more years, until I decided, under His strong advices, to meet a specialist doctor. Two more years and I welcomed a cat that our daughter "saved" in the streets. The cat in our home now is the third.

I hated him for a while... but he was true!


Yooki